Canada – The World’s New Rodney Dangerfield

Have you noticed that in the last seven months, Canada has been getting kicked around on the world stage like a beat-up soccer ball at the feet of global bullies? Well, we have.
Like everything that is foul and requires flushable sanitary wipes to clean up – it all started with U.S. President Donald Trump. At June’s G7 Summit, Prime Minister Justin Trudeau described Trump’s steel and aluminum tariffs on Canada as “kinda insulting.” Adding, “we will not be pushed around.” He’d said these things several times before. But this time the American president went ballistic. Desperately in need of a new scandal to distract from his last one Trump called Trudeau “dishonest and weak” labelling his comments “false statements.” “There’s a special place in hell for Trudeau” said Peter Navarro, Trump’s trade advisor and primary fart catcher.
Canada, a highly respected global do-gooder that always plays by the rules was being pummelled by a fat-ass, power drunk despot whose grasp on world politics comes from watching Fox News, the official propaganda wing of the Republican Party. Suddenly, Canada became the world’s new Rodney Dangerfield! As the late comedian might say …
“Canada, I tell ya that country gets no respect. No respect at all. At the G7 Summit in Ottawa all the other leaders asked Justin Trudeau to take the official photo. That way he wouldn’t be in it!”
“No respect… why every time Canada goes to play in the sandbox, the cat keeps covering him up.”
I mean sure, we’re still a very young country, but still …
“I tell ya, Canada gets no respect. When that country was born the doctor gave it a good slap… and the nurse got a few shots in too!”
Then, mistaking diplomacy for weakness the royal autocracy of Saudi America, sorry … Saudi Arabia took great offense to an innocent email from our Foreign Affairs that Canada was “gravely concerned” about recent arrests of women and human rights campaigners. Immediately the dictatorship in the desert expelled our Canadian ambassador, recalled its Ottawa envoy and pulled all Saudi students out of Canadian colleges and universities. Yeah that’ll teach us, eh? We’ll never sleep again knowing thousands of rich Saudi kids are being denied a privileged education!
“So I said to my wife, those Saudi kids are really spoiled. She said a lot of kids smell like that.”
“I tell ya, Canada gets no respect, no respect at all. That country’s proctologist wasn’t even a doctor. He was a wedding photographer. Half way through the examination he told Canada to bend over and say cheese.”
I’m thinking the very least we can do is send Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salmon and his personal guard a bunch of T-shirts that say: “Never take a bone saw to a passport office.”
“Those Saudi princes, they’re mean guys. I tell ya, they’re the kind of people who would put crazy glue in your Preparation H.”
And it’s not as if all our good friends and allies are coming to our defense.
“I tell ya, Canada’s so depressed it tried to jump off the CN Tower last week. The United Nations sent a priest up to help. He began by saying: ‘On your mark, get set …’”
And as if that kind of international disrespect wasn’t enough, China took a real nasty run at us when we detained Meng Wanzhou in Vancouver, the financial head of a hugely powerful digital company called Huawei. At the extradition request by yet another Trump poodle, John Bolton, Canada got caught in the middle of the US/China trade war.
“No respect. Yesterday Canada went to the mall and got separated from her parents. The police were called. Canada said: ‘Do you think you’ll find my parents officer?’ And the cop said: ‘I don’t know, kid. There’s so many places they could hide!’”
Honouring our treaty, Canada had no choice but to detain Wanzhou. A B.C. judge gracefully allowed her to spend her arrest in one of the many multi-million dollar mansions her family owns, this one in Vancouver.
“I tell ya, Canada gets no respect. I just looked up Canada’s family tree and there were two dogs peeing on it!”
Not exactly grateful for our kindness China immediately arrested two innocent Canadians named Michael on trumped-up charges and quickly commuted the sentence of Canadian Robert Schellenberg from prison time to death row.
“I tell ya, Canada gets no respect. Justin Trudeau said to Xi Jinping, ‘Man, you got me walking around in circles.’ So Xi nailed his other foot to the floor!”
Man, it’s hard to win a political battle when you’re a country that plays respects the duty of law up against a tyrannical regime that uses military tanks to crush street protestors.
“I tell ya, all this nonsense is making Canada an old and tired country. Just yesterday Canada dropped a Loonie in a slot machine and three prunes came up!”
Canada, regularly voted the best democratic country in the world is being slapped around by a triumvirate of egotistical tyrants.
“But I’ll tell ya, Canada’s still got class. Canada’s got so much class, it’s the kind of country that steps out of the shower to take a leak!”
For comments, ideas and copies of
The Legend of Zippy Chippy,
go to www.williamthomas.ca

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