All The World’s A Circus – William Thomas

Royals to Canada? Good luck with Canada Customs!

A Canada Customs arrival booth, Vancouver International Airport, Vancouver. January 23, 2020. “NEXT!” Custom agent: “Just the two of you travelling together?” “Yes sir. We had a baby but we left him…where’d we leave him, honey? Oh yeah, in some … Continue reading

New Year’s Resolutions-2020 Not Mine,Yours

In the upcoming year, 2020, I hereby resolve to become vegetarian, double the distance of my daily walk, watch and listen to less news programs and above all quit lying about quitting meat, doing more exercise and messing with a … Continue reading

The Butterball Turkey Talk-Line- More And Even Dumber Questions!

Turkeys are the dumbest living entities on the planet that still manage to breathe and bleed. As birds go, turkeys are dumber than dodo’s. The only living critters not as smart as turkeys are people in full panic mode who … Continue reading

President Putin’s New Calendar And “To Do List 2020.”

Russia’s Vladimir Putin had just released his annual photo calendar just in time for Christmas which happens to be his favorite time of year as heavy snowfalls in Siberia help cover up the bodies of his victims. Past calendars have … Continue reading

Why I Love Christmas and My Fellow Man

You have no idea how many readers have requested that this newspaper reprint my favorite Christmas…Editor’s note. No, not one reader has ever requested we reprint this column. We’re running it because William Thomas hates Christmas so much, he’s in … Continue reading

Redefining The Word “Ironic.”

My little Pocket Oxford Dictionary inscribed “Property Of What’s Up Niagara Magazine 1984” defines the word ‘irony’ as “the ill-timed or perverse arrival of events or circumstances that would in itself be desirable.” For example, there is nothing wrong with … Continue reading

Good Grief! Your Mother’s Advice Was Right After

Ever since I discovered what has to be the greatest of all 7,500 apple variations in the world, the Honey Crisp, I’ve been averaging one a day. Then I remembered that old adage: “An apple a day keeps the doctor … Continue reading

‘Boomer Bashing’ By The Millennials? Why You Ungrateful Little Punks!

Leave it to the Millennials–with 40 active wars currently being waged around the world, they decided to start one more: “The War Against The Aged.” All of a sudden these self-absorbed children of the selfie’ born between 1981 and 1996 … Continue reading

The Seniors’ Speaking Tour- Very Tough Crowds!

Lately I’ve been guest speaking to a variety of senior groups and I have to admit–these talks have not gone all that well. Not long ago I was invited to address an elderly organization in Haliburton. With great memories of … Continue reading

Horde Tourism Heralds The End Of Real World Travel

The last time I visited Dubrovnik was ten years ago and I was so swept away by Croatia’s “Pearl Of The Adriatic” I vowed to return as soon as I could. I now know that I will never again wander … Continue reading