“COVID! COVID! COVID!” yelled President Donald Trump when the virus was getting more media attention than he was. (Then he slapped Giuliani in the back of the head and screamed: “Mommy! Mommy! Rudy hit me first!”)
The word ‘Bizarro’ does not completely describe the year 2020 in which a bunch of monkeys stole COVID-19 blood samples from patients in India, Elon Musk named his kid X Æ A-12! and two prison guards in Newfoundland performed root canal surgery on an inmate.
However some things that women said last year came very close. It all began with the prophecy of an anonymous woman: “Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in nine months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them Coronials.” I like the sound of that.
Following Randy Quaid and Kayne West down the rabbit hole of reality, Roseanne Barr claimed COVID-19 was a conspiracy. “It’s a plot to get rid of Baby Boomers.” But if it’s also a plot by Bill Gates to get mind-control chips into our bodies and since Bill Gates is a Baby Boomer — doesn’t that make COVID-19 a suicide pact for seniors?
Inexplicably Madonna called the coronavirus “The great equalizer” in a video revealing her in a bathtub surrounded by rose petals. But equality is not something Madonna has always paired to. “I won’t be happy ’til I’m as famous as God.”
Showing great sympathy for frontline healthcare workers who are sleeping in donated house trailers in hospital parking lots – JayLo posted a video of her young son dressed as a waiter with a tray of cocktails on the grounds of her mansion saying: “We can’t go out to any restaurant but the service and entertainment here is pretty good.”
Actress Jaime King also put out a weird video in which she thanked the coronavirus for bringing people together! Really? I thought we were supposed to stay apart?!? Oh, I see, you meant bringing people together in hospitals and morgues. Right?
“So far, 2020 is like looking both ways before you cross the street, then getting hit by an airplane.” This from a woman who, fearing this would actually happen to her, signed off as ‘anonymous’.
Perhaps the quote that best captures the day-to-day frustration of those in the food and beverage industry came from Pantiles who posted: “If you would like to know how it feels to be in hospitality during this coronavirus pandemic? Remember when the Titanic was sinking and the band continued to play? We are the band!”
The coronavirus seemed to have a serious disorientation effect, even on those who tested negative. Paris Hilton: “No, no, I didn’t go to England. I went to London.” (Whoa, did the UK also give away its biggest city in the Brexit deal?)
Christina Aguilera: “So, where’s the Cannes Film Festival this year?” (Venice.)
Brittany Spears: “I’ve never really wanted to go to Japan. Simply because I don’’t like eating fish. And I know that’s very popular over there in Africa.” (So is bushmeat.)
Jessica Simpson: “Is this chicken or is it fish? I know it’s tuna but it says ‘Chicken of the Sea.” (It’s “chuna”, fusion food in a can.)
Governor General Julie Payette’s New Year’s address in part, said: “Even when times are hard, one can always find something positive” which means she’s no longer using a bullhorn to order her staff around.
Summing up the year 1992, after three royal marriages collapsed, Windsor Castle burned down and Sarah Ferguson was caught on camera sucking some guy’s toe, Queen Elizabeth called it her annus horribillis. Now, at the end of 2020 with Prince Harry divorcing himself from the royal family, COVID-19 ravaging the United Kingdom and Brexit about to dismantle that kingdom, Queen Elizabeth must be studying her Latin thesaurus to find a word way worse than horribillis. Abominationsis? Indecentibus? If at the end of the Brexit fiasco, Elizabeth winds up as the Queen of Europe, I think she’ll be relieved.
The last noteworthy quote goes to a frustrated mom and a reluctant homeschooler who posted: “We have 2,450 pencils in this house and that kid can’t find one of them!” Moving on to Lesson #2 — fudging an answer so as not to lose face is one thing. Wild guessing by the teacher in the house? Not so good. When asked “What’s a ‘synonym’?, suffice to say Mom now realizes that blurting out ‘a spice’ was not a wise decision.
Summing up last year, the editor of Parade Entertainment said: “Excuse our French but in many ways the year 2020 has been complete and utter crap — we’re talking an absolute flaming pile of garbage that reeks and needs to be over, like yesterday.”
Amen. 2020, the year that needed to be picked up and dispensed with in a pooper scooper bag.
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