In A Chaotic World, Thanks Be To The Surprise

In a world on its knees looking skyward for help but all the while anticipating the sound of a great big flush, the element of surprise has become a great distraction.
Although my capacity to be shocked is being diminished daily by the outbursts of insanity emanating south of the border, I was still surprised by David Weaver, the guy who stripped naked and jumped into a tank of sharks at Toronto’s Ripley’s Aquarium. Swimming with dolphins I get. But sharks that could misconstrue a buttock for a jellyfish or a willy for a dew worm!!!
What surprised me most was his faithful companion, holding his clothes and then quickly helping him get dressed once the cops were called. “Yeah,” I can hear her saying to herself, “I hope he doesn’t lose it because that’s the man I want to be the father of my children!” Okay but when he takes the whole family on African safari, do not let him slather the children with bacon jam.
Weaver immediately fled the city of Toronto and good luck finding any fugitive these days because the week before – folks, I do not make this stuff up – the head of Interpol, The World Police Agency in charge of finding criminals on the run … went missing. It’s believed China captured Meng Hongwei in a game of hide and seek revenge.
Yeah, the games people play like in Birmingham, England where passersby looking through the windows of the North West Bank noticed everybody hiding under desks. Several people called 999 with a robbery in progress. Turns out it was a human resources team-building exercise in which the employers were playing … a game of hide and seek. Maybe next time musical chairs, but definitely not cops and robbers.
The Birmingham bankers faired far better than the Chinese bankers in Nanning City, where during a meeting in the boardroom a huge python fell from the ceiling and onto one of the employees. No, not team building, more like a poorly organized 100-metre dash. In a world weirder than Al Yankovic, don’t think a Birmingham/Nanning bank exchange exercise is not in the works with a team building game of hide reptiles and seek ladders.
Amphibians causing disruptions in the business day hit home with a hospital director in Hawaii when she got nine irate calls from associates who claimed she had called them but refused to speak. When she checked her phone she discovered a tiny gecko walking across the screen and dialing everybody on the “recently called” list. People who received silent calls were most upset because despite what they were told in the TV ads, they were unable to save 15% or more on their car insurance.
While almost anything to do with American politics would surprise even the most skeptical, you have to hand it to Dennis Hof, known as “Nevada’s Most Famous Pimp.” A Trump-style politician, Dennis Hof also happens to be … dead. Recently but really deceased. The owner/Operator of the Moonlight Bunny Ranch is a sure bet to win a set in the state legislature next week. Should he lose, Trump plans to nominate him to the Supreme Court where he will sit beside Neil Gorsuch and Brett Kavanaugh, his other conservative stiffs.
But the greatest misadventure that caused astonishment in India last week was the take-down of a bank robber by a police officer pursuing him on foot. As the seasoned criminal with 18 outstanding warrants for his arrest began pulling away in the chase, the officer fired his weapon which … jammed! So in the loudest voice he could muster, he yelled (I did mention not making any of this up?) “BANG! BANG! BANG!” The bank robber stopped in his tracks, cowered and was promptly arrested. Good thing he surrendered quickly because apparently that cop does a great impersonation of a hand grenade as well.
In baseball, the Florida Marlins just signed Cuban brothers Victor Victor Mesa, 22 and Victor Mesa Junior, 17 to long term contracts. Their father … wait for it …Victor Mesa proudly attended the signings. The press conference ended when Mrs. Mesa yelled “Victor! Lunch!” and three guys got into a fight over a hot Cuban panini.
I was reading a sports article on the nicknames of great NFL secondary teams like Pittsburgh’s The Steel Curtain and Denver’s The Orange Crush surprised that the author of the article had not included The Electric Company – the amazing 1970 Buffalo Bills front four so nicknamed because “they plugged in the juice.” But then again, this was long before O.J. Simpson murdered his wife Nicole and her friend Ron Goldman, otherwise those four guys would have been called The Electric Chair Company. And yeah, in a just world they’d have definitely plugged in The Juice.
And finally, Dustin Strawser was released last week from Jackson Pike Jail in Columbus, Ohio after serving time for theft. He walked out the front door of the jail a free man and promptly stole a car in the parking lot for the ride home. More upset about the theft than Dustin’s parole officer was inmate Chris Murphy who owned the car and planted it there for his release … because he did plan ahead! Surprise! Surprise!

For comments, ideas and copies of The Legend of Zippy Chippy, go to www.williamthomas.ca

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