Numbers Don’t Lie. But They Do Scream: “Why?!?”

Great philosophers have claimed that numbers rule the universe but they did not foresee the day in which they would also drive us nuts. For instance, did you ever think that waking up to the statistic of 804 people testing positive to the COVID-19 virus in Ontario yesterday was the best news you’ve heard all year!?!
$624 billion. That’s the total amount all Canadian governments have spent on the COVID-19 pandemic. That’s $1.5 billion per day or approximately the same amount it’s costing Bill Gates to get divorced. Oddly, that figure is also the year that this debt will finally be paid off… 2624. By then the NDP will be in power and antidepressants like Prozac will be covered by OHIP.
Proving yet again that the rich cannot be shamed, the Weston family of Canada, worth more than $10 billion, will not reinstate the $2 an hour pandemic “hero’s” pay for front-line workers in their chain of grocery stores. They have however changed company policy to allow those employees most at risk to the virus to take home any food that has gone bad. (Made that up.)
Once was all it should have taken Quebec M.P. William Amos to learn his lesson of ‘accidentally’ appearing on a Zoom call with fellow parliamentarions … naked.
However, last week Amos, on camera again, was seen urinating into a coffee cup. I get it. I also did not like Tim Horton’s Instant Brew-At-Home Decaf but William, I just threw it out. Such drama, really?
If lewd “accident” number three turns out to be an escalation of the last episode, I see William Amos starring with a chamber pot in a TV commercial bragging that “Roto Rooter is Number One in the Number Two Business.”
Right now billions of cicadas are staging a southern hemisphere invasion by coming up from underground after almost two decades of dormancy. Cicadas are red-eyed, winged insects with long memories that surface every 17 years to see if former Prime Minister Brian Mulroney has repaid the $2.1 million he fraudulently won in his 1997 libel suit against the government. ‘Lyin’ Brian’s’ daughter Caroline is a smart girl in Ford’s cabinet so she will be able to figure out the 24 years of interest.
Headline: “Canada aims to land a rover on the moon in the next five years.” Really? Are we not about 52 years late in this space race? By 2026 there will be so many exploration vehicles driving over the surface of the moon, we’ll need “no-fault lunar rover insurance.”
Approximately 40,000 Americans die every year by gun violence. A mass shooting is defined as an incident in which three or more people are shot, not including the shooter. In May alone, America witnessed 235 mass shootings.
So how is Texas, a state with the most lax gun laws in the country, responding to this scourge of bloodshed? New laws being passed right now will allow Texans to carry handguns without getting a license, without getting a background check and without getting any training on how to operate the weapon. (Just practice on each other, I suppose.)
As if further proof of this absurdity was necessary, two brothers in Texas killed all six members of their family including themselves after easily obtaining guns despite their severe mental problems claimed in a note left behind: “Gun control in the U.S. is a joke.” A very bad, a very sick joke.
Only two more months before Donald Trump claims he will be reinstated as President of the United States in what his former National Security Advisor Michael Flynn describes as a “Myanar-style military coup.” CNN is reporting that if in the meantime, pigs fly out of Trump’s butt they will carry the event live on-air.
During the pandemic animal shelters and rescue groups (you gotta love Ugly Mutt Dog Rescue!) saw an off-the-chart increase in adoption applications, in some cases as many as 400 offers per dog!
Finally a numerical answer to that silly song “How Much Is That Doggie In The Window?” — as high as $5,000 and $6,000 each. Shelter officials believe almost 40% of all adopted dogs will end up back in their shelters once owners tire of the chores of actually caring for the animal. Also with veterinarian costs out of control, it is estimated the average cost of having a dog is now $2,385 annually. Yeah, man’s best friend just jumped an awful lot closer to the top of man’s household budget.
While all eyes were on two anti-masker protests in Toronto totalling 10,000 people, 200 wealthy ‘vaccine vultures’ were showing up and trying to get their second shot at COVID-19 clinics set up for vulnerable and high-risk groups. Like that’s not crazy enough, thanks to yet another conspiracy theory in which people who are vaccinated can “shed harmful proteins” onto others, some anti-maskers are starting to wear masks — not making this up — and socially distancing in order to protect themselves… wait for it… from people who have been vaccinated.
Folks, if these vaccine shenanigans get any nuttier, Premier Doug Ford will have to establish a commission of truth and reconciliation headed up by Howie Mandel.
And finally, the chances of humans recreating a better world by learning from the mistakes revealed from the pandemic and embracing the original “We’re all in this together” mantra? Zero.
Numbers may rule the universe but the rich run this planet and unless world improvement plans include a tidy profit for them — Elon Musk added $132 billion to his net worth over the last year, which now totals $159 billion — nothing will change except the ever expanding numbers of the poor and the refugees.
Sorry to be so negative about all of this stuff but with the image of William Amos’ second accident stuck in my head, I was unable to face my morning cup of coffee.
For a comment or a signed copy of The Dog Rules – Damn Near Everything
email: williamjthomas@gmail.com

This entry was posted in All The World's A Circus - William Thomas, Columns. Bookmark the permalink.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *