Pandemic Shenanigans – The Good. The Bad. The Booze Fairies

So far COVID-19 and its evil twin B.I.I.7 have spread to 200 countries, infected 110 million people, caused 2.5 million deaths, spawned at least a half dozen vaccines, levelled at least six heads of state, rocked the world economy, seen state-sponsored hackers from China, Russia, Iran and North Korea attempt to steal vaccine formulas, caused a ‘conspiracy theorist’ US pharmacist to destroy vaccine, caused a Florida ‘Paramedic Of The Year’ to steal the vaccine, caused privileged people to butt in line to get the vaccine and saw rich countries outbidding each other to secure the vaccine, poor nations be damned.
The one thing we can all agree on is that this pandemic has coaxed the best and the worst out of all of us.
Good: The state of Florida leads America in getting vaccines to those 65 and older. Bad: Some of those seniors are Snowbirds who would normally be waiting it out like the rest of us up here. Very bad: Two young women in Orlando put on bonnets, gloves and glasses in order to look like a couple of Grannies in order to get the seniors vaccine. Officials became suspicious because, while standing in line, the women were not showing each other photos of their grandchildren.
Bad: Rodney and Ekaterina Baker, the wealthy couple who flew to Whitehorse and then chartered a plane to Beaver Creek in The Yukon to sneak into line and get the vaccine meant for Indigenous elders of the White River First Nations. False: Rolling up their sleeves they claimed to be locals who worked at the nearby motel. Good: A call to the 1202 Motor Inn confirmed a work force of three people and they weren’t two of them. For violations the Civil Emergency Measures Act, the ‘jab’ jumper’s face a total of $2,300 in fines.
Good: Ontario universities are reporting a surge in applications for health-related courses, especially nursing programs which are up a whopping 73%. And we’re definitely going to need them because… Bad: Altria Group Inc which manufacturers Marlboro cigarettes is reporting a serious spike in smoking. Boredom, stress and loneliness have contributed to increased consumption of cannibis, alcohol, food and tobacco. So besides family get togethers, nursing home visitations and going to the movies, other things we can look forward to once this pandemic is over are increases in alcoholism, obesity and cancer diagnoses.
In the UK, Brits are being told by their government to ignore those “best before dates” and just eat the damn food. In a unique fundraiser Toronto’s Parkdale Community Food Bank claimed that a member, Oliver O’Brien, would eat a 14-year old can of President’s Choice Chicken with Egg Noodle soup if people would donate a total of $10,000 to see it happen. (Cost of the stomach pump not included.)
And for no known reason. I am eating so many avocados the local Food Basics is considering a “Limit – A Dozen Per Day Per Customer” sign. (Cost of Tums not included.)
Bad: After one year and 22,000 deaths in this country, we’re still seeing protests by virus deniers refusing to wear masks and social distance. Good: Israel, which has excelled at vaccinating and is now opening up schools, pools, gyms, restaurants, cinemas etc. is also issuing Green Badges as proof of having immunity. No badge, no entry. No jab, no job. No booster, no beer at the patio bar. With the marginalization of the foolish few now underway — this is good news for the rest of us.
Good: the federal government providing funds for Canadian businesses to help them through these times of unprecedented economic calamity. Bad: Canada’s big three monopolies – Bell, Rogers and Telus – should not be considered hardship cases. These three telecom giants have so far received a total of $240 million from the Canada Emergency Wage Subsidy while at the same time rewarding their shareholders with $5.5 billion in dividends. Very Bad: The fake noise of our wealthiest profit-takers crying poor. Quite Good: 117 countries are reporting that the pandemic restrictions over this past year have resulted in a 50% decrease in… noise.
In Thorold, Ontario a guy was arrested for stealing two catalytic converters from a commercial property. Bad: Theft is never good. Good: Catalytic converters prevent toxins from entering our atmosphere. Possible: The launch of the world’s first Environmental Vigilante Group happened here first.
Bringing the best of everything together — kindness, camaraderie, generosity and a bit of a buzz — women from the suburbs of America have formed groups of ’40% by volume caregivers’ and called themselves the “Booze Fairies.”
Whenever they hear about a woman who’s lost her job or is particularly down, they dress up in wings and tutus — look, if I was making this stuff up I would have added tiaras and sprinkle dust wands! — and they swarm that person with good cheer, loud laughter and gifts of booze and treats. Think ‘meals on wheels with a portable open bar.’ It’s also a kind of ‘pay it forward’ movement. One unemployed women, herself the target of the fairies has gone on to “booze 80 other women.”
Only in America could the spreading pandemic be met on the battlefield by an organized group of afternoon tipplers affectionately referring to themselves as… Drinkerbells!
Say what you will, this pandemic has spawned the funniest stuff ever watched on the Internet. Like this video… Kid: “Mummy? What’s an alcoholic?” Mother: “Well, you see those two birds on the wire out there? An alcoholic would see four.” Kid: “There’s only one bird on that wire, Mummy.” Mother: “Insert very bad word here.”
P.S. The band Daft Punk broke up after 28 years. Nothing to do with the pandemic, that’s just good news.
For a comment or a copy of
The True Story Of Wainfleet

This entry was posted in All The World's A Circus - William Thomas, Columns. Bookmark the permalink.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.