The Stalkers Guide For Dummies

Celebrity stalkers seem to be upping their game these days. Last month, 26-year-old Bruce Rowley robbed a bank in Ansonia, Connecticut and then drove to pop star Taylor Swift’s mansion in Westerly, Rhode Island where he threw the $1,600 loot over the fence. Why would he do such a thing? In order to impress her! Ah Bruce … the woman has a net worth of $280 million. She spent $1,600 to have her nails done last week and then left a generous tip.
Now Bruce, if you really want to impress Taylor Swift throw the body of David Mueller over that fence, the Denver disc jockey she claimed groped her during a photo shoot.
Note to future stalkers: throwing small amounts of money at millionaire superstars will not impress them. Throwing yourself off a tall bridge will also not impress them but hey, give it a shot!
Passing as one of Beyoncé’s producers, Steven Taliver talked his way into actor Jamie Foxx’s hotel suite in Philadelphia. Quickly realizing the guy was a stalker, Foxx threw him headfirst into the hallway. Foxx was filming Law Abiding Citizen at the time.
In a similar vein, remember that diabolic coincidence about 20 years ago when a twister hit the Can-View Drive In Theatre in Thorold and the movie that was playing at the time was … Twister. Well a few years ago, actor Keanu Reeves was starring in Knock Knock, a movie in which two women turn up at his doorstep and wreak havoc on his life. And in a span of just two days, two female stalkers really did break into his home and tried to wreak havoc on his life!! Reeves found the first one calmly sitting in a chair in his library and the second was caught swimming naked in his pool. The second one was sort of a “stalker starkers” if you know what I mean.
A pizza delivery guy named Dante Michael Soiu stalked Gwyneth Paltrow by sending her five personal letters a day as well as gifts of flowers, chocolates, pornography and wait for it … pizza! Instead of pressing charges, Paltrow recommended that he be conked in the head three times with 18 Karat Gold Dumbbells that are available on Goop, her online lifestyle website for $125,000. (Not making this up!)
Winona Ryder got creeped out about a guy who kept showing up as an extra on movie shoots and flirted with her. So she reported him to the director. Then the guy left a note in her trailer that read: “I was trying to get work as an extra! I’m not even obsessed with you anymore. I’m obsessed with Alyssa Milano!” So there! Winona Ryder sounded downright dejected when she said: “So he kind of left me for Alyssa Milano.” Gwyneth Paltrow suggested both Winona and Alyssa shove a few jade eggs up there … how can I put this? Okay, let’s say you’re a hen and the inspector says: “I don’t like the look of this egg. Send it back!” Yeah, something like that. Gwyneth recommends jade egg insertions for better “hormonal balance and feminine energy in general.”
A middle-aged man named William Lepeska figured the best way to impress Russian tennis star Anna Kournikova was to swim naked towards her Miami Beach estate and flash the ‘Anna’ tattoo he had on his right thigh. It wasn’t until he climbed up onto the pool deck that he realized he had the wrong house. That’s when, still naked, he started yelling “Anna! Save me!” at the house next door. Lepeska had previously stalked Spice Girl Mel B, but eventually gave up. “Finally, I said the heck with her, moving on to greener pastures.” William Lepeska was sent to a security facility in Florida but not before Gwyneth Paltrow suggested he receive two dozen coffee enemas made easy with her “The Implant O’Rama” kit for $135 on Goop. (Please make up your own Goop joke here.)
In a rather ingenious publicity stunt, Dessarae Bradford crashed The Tonight Show taping of Jay Leno interviewing Colin Farrell to hand each man a copy of her self-published book Colin Farrell: A Dark Twisted Puppy. Bradford was ordered by a court to keep a distance of 150 yards between herself and the actor as well as spending 20 hours on Gwyneth Paltrow’s Yoni Steam Seat. The vibrating one, not the herbal one. (Do not ask what a ‘Yoni’ is!)
Similarly, 46-year-old Diana Napolis claimed Steven Spielberg was operating a satanic cult out of his basement where the director had implanted a microchip called ‘soul-catcher’ in her brain. A judge ordered Diana Napolis to stay at least 150 yards away from Spielberg and concluded that with so much in common, she and Gwyneth Paltrow should try and get together over a couple of glasses of chardonnay.
Whatever happened to the good ol’ days when a fella, trying to impress a lady likely way out of his league sent her a bouquet of roses from “a secret admirer” or mailed her an out-of-season Valentine or fired off six shots from a “Saturday Night Special” at a sitting president of the United States?
These stalkers today – they’re watching way, way too many Hollywood movies.

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