This Whole COVID-19 Mess Could Be Going To The Dogs

So with President Donald Trump still trying to play a doctor on TV and Ontario opening everything up but still woefully behind in testing, with half of the public still not wearing masks and park partyers in Toronto using the neighbourhood driveways and backyards as toilets–you would be right in thinking that this whole damn COVID-19 pandemic has gone to the bloody dogs. Well, let’s hope it does.
Right now ten dogs are being trained at the University of Pennsylvania to sniff out the deadly COVID-19. In the past, all viruses have been revealed to possess an odour but scientists are not sure about this one. This ghost-like coronavirus is so evil it could carry the smell of a thin-crust pepperoni pizza just to throw off the dogs.
First the dogs will learn how to block out and ignore all other irrelevant body odours surrounding a person who has tested positive and then zero in on the unique smell of the virus itself from samples of that person’s urine and saliva.
There’s no reason to think the canine COVID-19 program will not succeed since dogs are now routinely used to sniff out all manners of disease from malaria to cancer with 97% accuracy. So much so a TV documentary was done on Parkinson’s diagnosis and Molly the sniffer dog, identified eight out of eight patients known to suffer from the disease. Everybody had a good laugh when she also pointed the finger, sorry the tail at the cameraman. “Eight out of nine is just fine.” Two weeks later, the cameraman got the bad news.
Incredible as this sounds, dogs have 295 million more odour receptors than a human being! Medically, that’s amazing. Socially, when your dog checks out the bum of a playmate in the park, he’s getting one massive snootful of badass detective work.
That’s 295 million smell detectors! So when you sniff the armpit of your T-shirt to see if you can get one more wear out of it–to your dog, you smell like a restaurant dumpster that hasn’t been emptied in more than four years.
There’s a least three other experiments currently being conducted to produce COVID-19 sniffer dogs and the benefits would be enormous. One dog at the entrance to an airport or meat-packing plant or an office tower could screen hundreds of people in one hour. One at every gate of a sports stadium could see the safe return of fans to the stands.
As the person being sniffed, your fondest wish is to be ignored. That’s the pass. But when Sparky stops, freezes and stares at you–you’re not going to see the ball game. You’re going home by ambulance to annoy your spouse for fourteen days straight.
That’s how you’ll be able to identify a virus-sniffing dog, they freeze in place and stare at the subject whereas a drug-sniffing dog will quietly sit next to the suspected package or luggage. A bomb-sniffing dog will run under the nearest table, crouch and put his paws over his ears.
I doubt that a dog has millions more truth-seeking mechanisms than man but they are incredibly intuitive. Like when a foul odour envelopes the family room and somebody, usually Dad says: “Damn dog!”–the dog knows he didn’t do it because, from his vast experience in such matters, he knows it’s always the first person to say “Damn dog!”
So Molly led the Parkinson’s crusade and Moxie is the star of the COVID-19 initiative and I’m suggesting a dog named Veracity lead the campaign to re-establish truth in this world by sniffing the pungent odour given off by a person who is lying.
White House Press Conference COVID-19 Briefing
President: “Yes you, you nasty scum female reporter from CNN. Question?”
Reporter: “Even your own medical experts say that hydroxychloroquine has no effect on the coronavirus and in fact may cause heart problems in overweight people like yourself.”
President: “Well first of all the experts did a bad study. It was false. Experts are terrible people.” Veracity sitting at the President’s feet shakes his head slowly, side to side.
President: “And secondly, I’m not overweight. My personal physician claims I weigh 243 pounds.” Veracity shakes head, a little more vigorously.
President: “Yes, you funny-looking loser from the New York Post.”
Reporter: “With no evidence whatsoever, you just accused former Republican congressman Joe Scarborough of murdering his then assistant Lori Klausutis.” Veracity shakes his head so forcefully his collar flies off.
President: “Well it was either Joe or Obama. Take your pick. Yes, you disabled creep from the New York Times.”
Reporter: “Is it true you won’t wear a mask because they don’t make one big enough to clear your combover?”
President: “No, masks are for wimps.” Now Veracity and Fauci shake their heads in unison. Just then Veracity starts to snarl and growl as Laura Ingraham of Fox News walks into the room. Secret service agents restrain Veracity until Sean Hannity also enters the room and the dog breaks loose and attacks the Fox News TV host who claimed COVID-19 was a hoax. The truth-seeking dog is now frothing at the mouth.
Trump appears to be enjoying the whole reality chaos until Dr. Anthony Fauci, rushes to the stage, jabs the president in the groin and says; “cough.” Taking her cue, Dr. Deborah Birx kicks Vice-President Mike Pence in the shin and two scientists and a lie-sniffing dog leave the room with dignity.
“Wolf Blitzer here with Breaking News. Just minutes ago, two doctors and a dog were spotted doing the Cha-cha on the White House lawn. Meanwhile President Trump is championing the drug hydroxychloroquine as a cure for rabies.”
Books written by William Thomas are available at www.williamthomas.ca and delivered by Canada Post
Comments: williamjthomas@gmail.com

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