Undergoing The Knife — The Musical

I’m scheduled for an invasive medical procedure next week and although it’s a tad too personal to elaborate on, I just hope the doctor uses something smaller than a 35mm. camera! Also, a flashbulb would be an excellent idea because according to the long-term forecast, the sun will not be shining… there… that day.
So seriously concerned am I about this operation that I actually slowed down the other day as I passed the Catholic church down the street but at the exact moment I considered going in, a lightning bolt hit the electric grid across the street and the power in the neighbourhood was knocked out for two hours.
Remembering a comedy bit that Denis Leary used to do on medical machoism, I tried to pump myself by asking: “What would ‘The Duke’ do?”
Leary smoked four cigarettes at a time while delivering this hilarious stand-up routine that ended with: “…and when the doctors told John Wayne he had cancer and that they were going to have to remove his left lung: ‘The Duke’ said, ‘Take’em freakin’ both out! I don’t need’em!’”
For me, bluster doesn’t work. So I moved on to a more innovative plan after listening to a show called “On Your Health” on America’s National Public Radio. Apparently even under an anesthetic a patient subconsciously hears atmospheric sounds in the OR like music. Under a milder anesthetic, a patient can actually hear conversations. In a fairly significant medical breakthrough the show’s host Zorba Paster revealed that playing music in the operating room can actually reduce a patient’s stress and pain during surgery. Well, as somebody who’s considered being sedated, hypnotized and mildly lobotomized just to get a vaccine ‘jab’ — I’m all in with this one!
In the beginning, I was so confident all would go well I gave a musical thumb’s up to my surgeon by playing Smooth Operator by Sade.
You gotta have realistic goals so I thought I’d lead in with Stayin’ Alive by the Bee Gees. Then I quickly dropped that idea, thinking that when Barry Gibb hits a “9” on the falsetto range, a scalpel will likely hit the ceiling.
Now my doctor for this upcoming procedure, Dr. Abdel-Malik, is very open-minded and I’m sure when I show up with my ‘surgery playlist’ tape, he’ll play along with the music like… Like A Surgeon by Weird Al Yankovic.
I may have made a bad first impression with the doctor because as he was explaining the procedure I found myself singing Do You Really Want To Hurt Me by Culture Club.
Just in case we didn’t cover this in the pre-op consultation, might I remind everybody involved, first and foremost, I Wanna Be Sedated by The Ramones. A bit of a hint to the nurse assisting in the operation, I Want To Hold Your Hand by the Beatles would be entirely welcome. Let’s not forget their other hit Don’t Let Me Down. And let’s definitely forget Paul McCartney ever recorded Live And Let Die. Okay?
And speaking of nurses, if I hear even one of them singing Oops, I Did It Again by Britney Spears I’m outta there, sedation be damned.
A friend told me how disgusting that white laxative liquid you have to drink before the operation, so I made a special request for A Spoonful Of Sugar by Julie Andrews to help the medicine go down, the medicine go down.
I’d like to stay away from The First Cut Is The Deepest by Cat Stevens because I definitely do not want to tell my doctor how to conduct his business. Maybe the second or third cut will be the deepest or no cuts at all if a plane hits the hospital an hour before I get there and I get a six-month reprieve which is what I am counting on.
I always liked Mack The Knife by Bobby Darin but if somehow Dr. Malik ends up with the nickname “Mack”, he’s not going to be happy.
I know doctors must adhere to a busy schedule so before mine rushes off to his next appointment I’ll make sure he hears Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go by Wham.
Out the back end, sorry… I think the worst that could happen is that when the surgery is over, the tape ends, the music stops and I hear Dr. Abdel-Malik singing I Still Haven’t Found What I Am Looking For by U2.
And the last song you want to hear near the end of a medical ordeal is Knocking On Heaven’s Door by Guns N’ Roses.
A word to the orderly who’s pushing me along the hospital hallway in a gurney after the operation… if I hear you singing Another One Bites The Dust by Queen, I swear, I will… okay, then my estate will have a serious word with you outside in the parking lot.
Man, it was, only a couple of weeks ago that I was waxing squeamish about getting a needle! Several readers, prophetically and as it turns out, ironically, brushed off my fear by saying I was just being ‘a pain in the ass.’ Perhaps I’ve said too much.

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