Vaccination — The Price Is Right For The Reluctant And the Refusers.

Overnight ‘pop ups’ with long lines of customers involving vaccinations instead of food trucks. “Doses After Dark” which sounds like a public address warning about the re-emergence of gonorrhea. An American pharmaceutical chain pays John Legend to star in their “This Is Our Shot” campaign which is similar to the Philadelphia Flyers’ “Take Your Shot” promotion.
It’s one thing to put your name on a “Standby Lottery” in Toronto to get a last-minute jab of a leftover vaccine but quite another in Ohio where the state will give five prospective vaccine takers $1 million each in a unique COVID-19 lottery. At Alberta’s University of Lethbridge students who agree to be vaccinated will be eligible for a draw to win one of nine full tuitions worth $3600 each. U.S. retailer Dollar General is already offering its employees four hours of salary if they take the jab and a pair of economic professors at Harvard are developing a scale of payment to entice the anti-vaxxers.
Think about that. In North America we are actually bribing people to take a miracle drug that could save their lives! Health organizations are on bended knee and desperately begging a minority of their citizens to do what the majority recognize to be the right and responsible thing to do.
It’s bizarre. Not since four-year-olds refused spoonfuls of cod liver oil have more people rejected a medicine that will prevent them from getting sick.
Of course all these offers of tchotchkes are way more fun that the straight “cash for common sense” schemes but really how far are the bribers willing to go? Would they for example offer…
To all women over 60 — take the vaccine now and become the tenth, eleventh, twelfth etc. wife of the late Larry King. Wikipedia will publish a photo of you and the talk show legend cutting the wedding cake and signing divorce papers all at the same ceremony. No, no consummation. I told you, he’s dead.
A hundred years old and still hesitant? Show proof of vaccination and Environment Canada will name a storm after you. Like “Hurricane Hazel” and… sorry that one’s already taken.
For all QAnon fans who will drop the histrionics about what evil lurks in the vaccine, KFC will give you a bucket of chicken with the Colonel’s secret recipe.
For all Canadian with British roots, get the jab now and Harry and Meagan will star in any financial scheme you can think of because they’re pro vaccine and will shill for damn near anything.
For hoarders not yet vaccinated, Procter and Gamble are offering to send you a tractor trailer full of Charmin toilet paper in case the fourth wave is as bad as the first.
For all pet lovers who have not yet been jabbed, Humane Societies are offering either a free puppy or the equivalent in ransom money.
For customers of the LCBO, all Ontario outlets are offering a complimentary second shot… after you get your second shot.
Take part in the Canadian government roll out campaign and the prime minister promises to find one, male, military leader in this country who is not currently under investigation for trying to bang a subordinate.
At a special sports pop up at Toronto’s Scotiabank Center, fans will be personally vaccinated by Auston Matthews who will put the needle in your arm with a wrist shot from just inside the faceoff circle after Freddie Andersen decks you with his right blocker so you never feel a thing.
Naturalists who agree to be vaccinated at their local nudist camp will get their photo taken with Canadian MP William Amos, the “Fleur de Lys Flasher.” No need to roll up your sleeve.
With proof of vaccination, Tim Hortons will give you either a Vanilla Cream Cold Brew or a Double Double Cold Brew… because nobody’s buying them anyway.
Conservative party members who get vaccinated before June 2 will get to throw darts at Premier Ford’s ‘Board of Indecision’ to determine if this lockdown continues into 2025 or the spring bear hunt opens in downtown Toronto.
And finally an apology to two readers — antivaxxers and unsocial distancers — who took exception to my recent “COVIDIOT” column. They imagined me cowering under my bed in fear of a virus that is “99.7% survivable”, calling me a wimp, a pantywaist and a coward.
First, that’s just so ridiculous because, unable to crawl under my bed, it’s the dining room table where I go to tremble, wring my hands and blubber like a baby, fearing a virus that has thus far killed 3.38 million people and hospitalized 178,504 more.
Second, I apologize that in my reply to these gentlemen I may have used the word ‘bastard’. I’m sorry. I’m sorry because you are not bastards… not since last week’s extraordinary discovery of nine Neanderthal skulls in the Guattari Cave near Rome, Italy. I was wrong. You can’t possibly be characterized as ‘illegitimate’ now that they’ve found your true parentage and ancestral home.
Let’s see — in India they’re running out of wood to burn the dead and in Canada we’re using police to ticket people who refuse to cover their mouths with a cloth?!? Democracy — the right to disagree and disobey no matter how flawed your belief system might be.
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