Wanna Be Younger By 20 Years? Easy Peasy … Math

Emile Ratelband is a senior citizen and a pretty smart guy. He’s also a professional motivational speaker which to my mind is really just an overpaid cheerleader without the pompoms.
A Dutchman from Arnhem, Emile claims his good genes and healthy lifestyle make him feel 20 years younger than his chronological age of 69. Doctors have confirmed he has the body of a 45-year-old man. Naturally this man wants to be 49 instead of 69. Unnaturally, he wants a court of law in the Netherlands to legally make that age change. Emile is in such great shape that he frequently refers to himself as a “young god” which means if he’s unsuccessful in his court challenge he is certainly delusional enough to become president of the United States.
His reasoning in applying to be officially 49 again is that if you can legally change your name from say, Cherilyn Sarkisian to Cher or Henry John Deutschendorf Jr. to John Denver then why can’t you change your age. He further argues that if people who are uncomfortable with their sex can now legally be transgendered then why can’t he be ‘transaged’. Citing age discrimination, he wants his biological age to trump his chronological age and he’s asking the court to have his date of birth changed from March 11, 1949 to March 11, 1969. Emile Ratelband may not be as young as a pup but he’s definitely as clever as a fox.
The real reason behind Emile’s “age fluid” movement is that he’ll garner more responses on his Tinder dating service if women are convinced that he’s 45 and not 65. Okay but the other side of that coin is that if you go to dinner on your first date you can forget about ordering “The Early Bird Special.” Plus you can’t double dip. You can’t say you are 49 but ask for the senior citizen’s discount at the cinema. And you better get used to customs officials looking at your passport and saying: “Really? 49? Man, you must have had a real rough life!”
“Age fluid” is how the Dutchman sees society accepting his mathematical solution to unfair aging which sounds a lot like Trump’s pitbull Kellyanne Conway categorizing blatant lies as “alternative facts.” Besides we already have age fluid and although it is not curable it is controllable with a pair of Depends.
And if you go “age fluid” but your wife refuses to participate in this numerical fantasy, you can count on sleeping on the couch for the next 20 years and trust me, back pain does not respond to an eraser.
If you thought you were already confused about the Old Age Security and Old Age Pension just wait until the Canadian Revenue Agency receives your application with your new, much younger age. You’ll wind up red flagged on their Employment Insurance list with a disability and an audit!
Online dating services will be thrilled with the new “Age Fluid” ruling because as far as I can tell, these people are already lying about their ages by a decade or two! But if you are declared 20 years younger, will Walmart Photo Centre be required to air brush all your photos to match your new number.
And if yesterday you were 69 but today you’re 49 will your pharmacy give you a refund on your last prescription of Viagara now that you no longer need it? You might negotiate a credit but … good for another 20 years!!! I don’t think so.
Emile Ratelband is on record as saying he plans to live until he’s 94 but it’s unclear if these are real years or “young god” years which would see him still online dating at the age of 114. But by then Tinder will be called Tender with a membership of three people. All females.
Maybe Emile just has to take a deep breath and inhale the wisdom of Satchel Paige whose longevity in playing through Negro league baseball and later Major League Baseball made him one of the greatest pitchers in the game. Said the ageless Hall of Famer: “Age is a question of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
Publicly denying your actual age goes back to American comedian Jack Benny who found “nothing funny about 40.” So he insisted he was 39 each and every year until he died at 80. He celebrated his 39th birthday 41 times. Had the Emile Ratelband law been in effect, Jack Benny could have also legally subtracted another 20 years off his age which means he would have been only 19 years of age when he was popping stool softeners from a Pez dispenser.
No, sometimes even the law must implement a rapidly disappearing judgement called common sense. I mean if you really could turn back time wouldn’t most reasonable people in today’s world want to revert back to January 17, 2016 and watch the inauguration of President Hilary Clinton or even go back to the night of September 14, 1945 when Mary Anne Trump pushed her husband’s hand away and said: “Not tonight Fred, I’ve got a headache.”

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The Legend of Zippy Chippy,
go to www.williamthomas.ca

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