Women Putting The Romance In Mariticide

No Angela Landsbury mind you, but novelist Nancy Crampton Brophy has published a fair bit of “Murder, She Wrote” type books. In The Wrong Cop she wrote about a woman who obsessed about killing her husband and in The Wrong Husband she featured a woman who escapes the abuse of her husband by faking her own death.
In her latest story How to Murder Your Husband the 68-year-old novelist based in Portland, Oregon gave advice to wanna-be-widows. Should you be leaning that way and thinking about wacking Dwayne over there who in the last 27 years has not once remembered to put the toilet seat down, here’s two tips. Never hire a hit man who will likely rat you out in the end. And never use poison because “who wants to hang out with a sick husband?”
Nancy’s latest addition to her series of romances-gone-fatally-wrong came as no surprise to her publisher. However Daniel Brophy, her husband of 27 years, was obviously really, really surprised when he was shot at close range by … wink, wink, nod, nod … an unknown assailant. No signs of a professional hit and no poison involved. The Portland Police Bureau pointed a finger at the novelist and said: Nancy Crampton Brophy – you got lots of plot restructuring to do.
A chef and teacher, Daniel Brophy was found bleeding to death on the kitchen floor of the Oregon Culinary Institute as his students began filling in for his first class of the day.
Of their 27-year marriage, Compton Brophy wrote on her author’s page: “we had our ups and downs.” Yeah, like when you came up with a semi-automatic handgun out of your purse and he went down like a ton of bricks! Charged with murder and unlawful use of a weapon a jury will likely decide whether her story should be titled Murder She Wrote and Murder She Did.
This caper sounds an awful lot like that case in which Jean Harris shot her lover, Herman Tar-nower, the author of The Complete Medical Scarsdale Diet and left the poor bugger bleeding low fat cottage cheese all over the living room rug. So even if Nancy Compton Brophy beats the murder rap, she could still be charged with plagiarism.
If I were in her blood-spattered shoes, I’d be staying up late and banging out Husbands Who Kill Themselves And Then Frame The Wife!
More so than men, women have always displayed a high degree of creativity when it comes to spousal murder, also known as mariticide. Winnie Ruth Judd, a medical secretary from Arizona worked very hard to earn her nicknames “The Trunk Murderess” and “The Blonde Butcher.” Busy, busy it seemed Winnie was always packing and unpacking … parts of her friends.
Ignoring the advice of Nancy Crompton Brophy, Mary Ann Colton poisoned between 15 and 21 of her closest relatives including three of her four husbands. It got so bad she had to rent people to come to her birthday parties.
Women have also become infamous for selecting unique weapons with which to kill men.
After arguing with her drunken husband who wouldn’t get off the couch, a Russian woman in St. Petersburg kicked the lever which activated the spring mechanism which folded the unit up into the wall. Then she went shopping. When the woman returned to the apartment three hours later she told police she was surprised not to hear her husband snoring. (Ladies, if you too suffer sleep deprivation because of a snoring husband, first try those silly strips you stick across his nose.) Rescue workers said the man died instantly and upside down with his head between the cushions.
After a stormy relationship, Anna Rhinehart, 40 confronted her 51-year-old ex-boyfriend on a street in Brooklyn, N.Y., at three in the morning. A tussle ensued. Anna claimed the man punched her in the mouth, knocking out her two front teeth. Witnesses testified that the 220-pound Anna first sat on her boyfriend and then clubbed him to death with her size 12 high heel shoes. (Hey, they don’t call them “stilettos” for nothing!) Anna was charged with manslaughter and criminal possession of a weapon. With very few women in this world willing to admit they wear anything larger than a size 7 ½ shoe, Anna’s real punishment came when the media revealed she had feet the size of snow shoes.
In Cleveland, Ohio, the very large Mia Landingham killed her very small, long-time boyfriend after a relationship marred by domestic abuse. How? Mia sat on the man and then … No, that was it! She just sat on him and smothered the little guy to death. Pleading guilty to involuntary manslaughter, Mia received three years probation and 100 hours of community service. It was likely the first time evidence was ever introduced in a U.S. court of law as Buttock A and But-tock B.
Said the remorseful Mia Landingham: “I just want to say I’m sincerely sorry.”
Yeah, but not as sorry as the boyfriend whose lights went out where the sun doesn’t shine. Man, what a way to go!
“Hey, get off of me! Seriously, get the hell… holy cow it’s dark in here.”
Men! You can’t live with ’em and you can’t kill ’em because there will always be paperwork.
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www.williamthomas.ca

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