As COVID Stupidity Sticks Out Its Chest, Humour Pokes It In The Ribs.

Contrary to the common perception, COVID-19 and its sinister siblings did not cause mass stupidity; they just gave it a huge world-wide stage on which to strut its stuff. The list of classic coronavirus clowns is now longer than the index of how well 98 countries in the world have handled the crisis, ranking Canada in 61st place.
There was Herman Cain, the Trump cronie who scoffed at the early health warnings and then died from the disease. There was the imbecile in British Columbia who spit in the face of the Walmart greeter asking him to mask up, thereby causing the woman to have a serious heart attack. Le fou in Montreal holding a “Vaccins sont dangereux!” sign while smoking a cigarette was easily matched by the long-term care nurse in Ontario who is under investigation for using her considerable Facebook following to spread the theories that the pandemic is a conspiracy and vaccines cause autism.
From British Prime Minister Boris Johnson who in the beginning of the pandemic suggested everybody should just get the virus and get it over with, and now has the UK leading all European countries in COVID deaths at 130,000… to the people around town here that boast lawn signs that read: “No More Lock Downs!” — the level of awareness and self-sacrifice in today’s society has become distressingly low.
Usually the single benefit of stupidity is humour but these halfwits running around mistaking personal freedom for selfish entitlement are generating sadness and pity instead of laughter. Not that there haven’t been valiant attempts to cheer us up during this dark ordeal.
For instance Team Canada’s decision to dress our athletes for the upcoming summer Olympics in outfits of scrubbled denim with spray-painted graffiti signage and Sharpie scribbles got a lot of laughs both here and abroad. I like’em! They make our competitors look tough, mean and destitute like if they don’t win gold how are they going to pay for their flight home?!? It looks like Hudson’s Bay patterned this attire after the Toronto street thugs that hang out in front of their stores but why didn’t they go all in with nose rings, Doc Martens boots and pitbulls?
These Team Canada outfits will be up for sale next week when the Tokyo Olympics are finally cancelled in the name of what’s left of world sanity.
Then William Amos, a Canadian MP from the riding of Pontiac, Quebec did an accidental Zoom flash when, while changing from his jogging clothes into… well, nothing because he was already buck naked when fellow members in the meeting informed him he was on camera… every little bit of him. The slim and fit Amos or ‘Starkers’ as he’s now known around Parliament Hill apologized profusely for the slip up. Yet there was something wonderfully Canadian about one of our elected officials caught on camera, naked as a Blue Jay and standing between the flags of Canada and Quebec. All I can say is — thank God it wasn’t Mike Duffy otherwise we’d be talking separation again.
Amos used his fifteen minutes of fame to encourage all Canadians to mask up, safe distance and with everything locked down, please — streak in place.
Of all the blunders Premier Doug Ford has made to bring Ontario to the very brink of a medical collapse, last week’s gaffe did provide a bit of comic relief.
“Folks, it’s very, very simple,” he blustered, like he was explaining the vaccine booking process to four-year-olds. “I’m gonna wing this number… 888 999 6944. It’s as simple as that!” Simple is as stupid does — the phone number was wrong.
All was not lost at ‘Ford’s Follies And COVID Head Quarters’ recently when Rick Hillier, a retired military general in charge of Ontario’s vaccine roll out quit and was replaced with Dr. Homer Tien, who has… wait for it… medical experience!!!!
American rocker Ted Nugent, living proof that Darwin’s theory of evolution has suffered a serious reversal, was flying high last week. Rallying against lockdowns that saw his tour cancelled, Nugent called those responsible “Dirty bastard, lying, scam, smoke-and-mirrors, COVID-19 freaks.” Considered a spiritual guide to his fans and the “King of QAnon” to others, Nugent added. “I’m addicted to truth, logic and common sense.” In fact, ‘The Motor City Madman’ who has called the whole pandemic a conspiracy now runs the risk of addiction to pain killers because as I’m writing this, Ted Nugent has just tested positive for COVID-19 (No, Bill! Schadenfreude is wrong, wrong, wrong!)
You know how bleak but at the same time farcical this pandemic crisis has become in Ontario? Julie Whish’s job at a Toronto tech company is to plan celebrations and fun events to create an upbeat environment so that her colleagues can remain positive and motivated on the job.
Julie Whish is a Happiness Officer and… she’s pissed off about all this. Frustrated and confused by Ford’s latest foolish lockdowns of fresh air gatherings, Whish says she knew her colleagues would be demoralized. “Everyone’s so upset,” she said.
So yeah, when you say ‘good morning’ to your “Happiness Officer” and she gives you the finger, you know we’re in tight on this one.
So stay positive… No! Stay negative but keep your head up… No! Keep your head down and your mask up and… I’m no conspiracy freak but is it possible that this whole shemozzle is designed to make us all crazy?
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email: williamjthomas@gmail.com

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