I’m Dreaming Of A Black Christmas

Black Christmas? That’s actually the title of a funny book by the Daily Show’s Lewis Black which also happens to capture the mood of this COVID-19 Christmas season.
Yes, it’s that special time of the year again when the world celebrates the birth of Jesus Christ and the bank account of Jeff Bezos. Yet, there are some interesting gifts out there this year. If you’re shopping for someone you work with, Sweat-Absorbing Armpit Pads For Your Sweaty Coworker is a tad too rude. A four-pack of Dial Soap might be a nicer touch. And for the record, after all these years, a gift-wrapped can of Beano is funny to everyone except the guy who gets it. Days Of The Week Underwear may not be a glamours gift, but at least you’ll know when the weekend arrives!
I’m not suggesting Prime Minister Justin Trudeau should send Chinese President Xi Jinping the all-new Super Creepy Revenge Voodoo Doll, but it might be our last hope of getting back the “two Michaels.” Watch the pressure mount on Jinping as Trudeau first pushes “serious canker sores” and works his way down to “organ removals.”
When it comes to Christmas gifts, I usually go with books & booze and except for that one time when I mixed up the tags and my 10-year-old niece took a straw to her bottle of Jack Daniels — it has worked out pretty well.
At the end of a stressful year that has turned teetotalers into two fisters, I’m not surprised that alcohol-related gifts are at the top of many people’s lists. Not only does a case of Niagara wine delivered at no charge to your door make a fine gift, it also keeps your photo off the “Hoarders Board” at your local LCBO. (Every Wednesday I put a note on my blue box full of empties. “Sorry, I just cleaned out the garage.” And the driver signs it back, “Yeah, right.”
The Diamond Sterling, the world’s most expensive bottle of tequila, is available for $3.5 million and please, have the checkout clerk double bag it for you. This tequila is so exclusive, the worm at the bottom of the bottle has had work done on its wrinkles.
There’s also The Tipsy Tree gift for $66 from which you can hang miniature bottles of everybody’s favourite spirit. It comes with a really big candy cane to steady yourself at around midnight. (Made that last part up.)
With Christmas arriving at the same time as “surge two”of the coronavirus, giving books as gifts has become a lot trickier this year. Given the fact that you are not supposed to have anybody come to your house over the holidays, not even Santa, I’m guessing Jean Paré’s book Entertaining For The Holidays is an all-time worstseller. What you lose on crowd you might gain on a couple with Jasmine Guillory’s new book Party Of Two. Snark! The Herald Angels Sing and Boo Humbug are two books that will insure an early end to that party.
Although Punching The Air is billed an inspirational story for teens, what with this insidious virus enveloping us like a fog, I see nothing wrong with duking it out with our invisible enemy. For that special person in your family who before the COVID-19 lockdown never said anything more profane than ‘dang’, here comes Tis The Season To Be Sweary.
Be real careful with Martha Stewart’s Cookie Perfection now that she and Snoop Dog (if there’s a more unlikely friendship it would have to be Lady Gaga and the Pope!) are partners in the cannabis business.
People have been cooped up with their pets for so long this book title almost sounds possible: I Could Pee On This – And Other Poems by Cats. Similarly, with shelter-in-place boredom off the chart, The Joy Of Water Boiling may actually excite some people.
If anybody’s buying a gift for Canada’s Chief Public Health Officer, Dr. Theresa Tam, who initially claimed masks were not all that important, might I suggest a new audiobook by Beth Evans — I Really Didn’t Think This Through.
Leah Johnson’s You Should See Me In A Crown is the gift President Donald Trump wants most for Christmas as copies of Sarah Brabbs’ So People Say You’re An A- -hole keep piling up on Rudy Giuliani’s doorstep.
In what feels like a race in which the virus is trying to kill as many people as possible before the vaccine kills it, perhaps the one book we can all relate to is Chelsea Handler’s Life Will Be The Death Of Me. For those of us who have quarantined alone, I Would Leave Me If I Could strikes a bit of a sad chord.
Although Do You Mind If I Cancel? by Gary Janetti is a satirical take on young royals, given the rising COVID-19 death rate in the province, I’ll be sending a copy off to the staff here at Davidson’s Funeral Home, where apparently, I’m ‘pre-registered.’
And finally, based only on the title, if I could, I would send a copy of The Beautiful Ones off to every doctor, nurse, orderly and nursing home employee in this country. Have a merry, weary Christmas, folks. There is now a light at the end of the pandemic tunnel and no, it’s not an unscheduled VIA Rail train.

Any of the ten books written by
William Thomas are available at www.williamthomas.ca
Comments: williamjthomas@gmail.com

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