Lessons Learned At 38,000 Feet – Let’s Teach Our Children Well

At the beginning of the COVID-19 shutdown there was this really cute story about a kid whose dream to fly in a big airplane was shattered when the airline industry shut down. Little Emma was crushed when her first family vacation was cancelled; she’d never flown in a plane before.
So her parents COVID-19 – faked it. They set Emma up in a small seat with a TV set attached to a chair in front of her. They strapped her in with a belt, laid out her favourite snacks and told her to gaze out the window or watch as much TV as she wanted. They left her alone for four hours, the same duration as the aforementioned cancelled flight.
I hate really cute stories about kids.
“Okay Emma, scooch over, I’m ‘Uncle Bill,’ your new flight mate.”
“I was supposed to fly alone.” “Don’t be silly, it can be pretty lonely up there at 38,000 feet. Besides, I’ve flown many times before. I’m here to help you.”
“Shouldn’t we be self-distancing?” “Emma, this is Air Canada. If they could squeeze kids like you into the overhead compartment and still charge you full price for the flight… they would.”
“Emma, why don’t you start kicking that seat in front of you?” “Why?” “Because that’s what kids do when they sit behind me.”
“Want some snacks?” “No thanks, I brought my own.”
“What’s in all those little bottles?” “Apple juice. I’ve got low blood sugar.”
“Looks like Scotch to me?” “Ah, ha, yeah, well… nobody likes a smartass Emma. Whoops!”
“You just knocked the snacks into my lap.” “It could have been worse. You should always wear a rain coat while flying because as soon as you tuck into your flight meal, that clod in front of you will ram his seat straight back into you.”
“Why would he do that?” “Because he’s a self-centred, insensitive jerk with a serious dandruff problem. He’s the reason airlines don’t serve soup.”
“Are we going to have an inflight meal?” “Yes.” “What are the choices?” “Yes or bloody no.”
“How do I clean up this mess?” “Press that red button for service. Hey, I’m just kidding you. You could press that button from now until we land and you still won’t get a drink… I mean service. But watch what happens when I unbuckle my seat belt.”
Flight attendant: “Sir! You must keep your seat belt on until after we’ve taken off.”
“I can’t wait to use the washroom!” “Have you ever tried to do yoga in a medicine cabinet?”
“Why is that lady changing seats?” “To get away from that crying baby.”
“Does that happen a lot?” “Yes but normally that baby is sitting next to me and normally the baby doesn’t belong to the woman who’s changing seats.”
“How come it just got dark in here?” “They always turn the lights off during takeoff.”
“Why?” “Everything is automated. The pilot has nothing to do so he’s playing video games. With the lights out he can see his screen better.”
“What’s that flashing red light on the wing?” “That’s code. Our pilot is playing a video game against the pilot of that plane that’s just landing.”
“Sounds dangerous.” “Flying is safer than if you were driving a car.”
“But I’m only eight. I can’t drive.” “My point exactly.”
“So how often do airplanes crash?” “Speaking as a nervous flyer, only once.”
“So then it is dangerous to fly, right?” “Look kid, the way I see it, when your number’s up, that’s it!”
“Yeah, well, what if your number’s not up but the pilot’s number is up?” “Ah, ha, yeah, well as I said, nobody likes a smartass, Emma.”
“What’s that lady in the uniform blowing up?” “That’s a life vest. It also serves as a toilet seat cover. In case of emergency one of those will drop down from the ceiling. You blow it up so you can float in the water.”
“Why do we need them?” “In case this flight turns into a cruise.”
“Wouldn’t parachutes make more sense?” “They would if we were flying in a plane made by Boeing.”
“Why would we be floating in the water?” “Did you ever see the movie Sully?” “No.”
“Just as well because if Sully ever pops up as our inflight movie, well… Uncle Bill will have to use one of these.” “What’s that?” “A barf bag.”
“Did you ever use one of those?” “Once, on a long flight with a lot of turbulence and… way too much apple juice.”
“Well, here’s to a fun flight, Emma.” “I want my Mommy!”

Any of the ten books written by William Thomas are available at www.williamthomas.ca
Comments: williamjthomas@gmail.com

This entry was posted in All The World's A Circus - William Thomas, Columns. Bookmark the permalink.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *