Right about now we’d all like to have the coronavirus cornered in an abandoned warehouse, marching around it with “Death To COVID-19” signs. Soon. Maybe. One day. In the meantime, this illusive parasite has produced some human behaviour almost as strange as itself. Here then are 19 of the most recent events worthy of some sort of dubious award.
• The “COVID Loose Lips Sink Ships Award” goes to everyone who socially distanced themselves from Theodore Tugboat, Halifax’s cartoon character tourist barge, dry docked by the crash in tourism. Theodore Tugboat is up for sale at $495,000. It would make for a sweet story if Theodore, now orphaned and homeless was to be adopted by The Maid of The Mist and they lived happily ever after or at least until the next lockdown.
• The “Best Quote From Your Biographer Award” and the person who knows you best, Michael D’Antonio: “If you’re a human being, be glad you’re not Donald Trump!”
• The “Can COVID-19 Addle The Brain Award?” goes to US Secretary of State Mike Pompeo who last week lectured African nations on the importance of… free and fair elections!
• The “Best/Worst Biblical Prophecy Award” goes to Las Vegas pastor Denise Goulet, who, with Trump in the congregation said: “At 4:30 am the Lord said to me I am going to give your president a second win.” Apparently Trump was furious because in the middle of the night everybody is supposed to be reading his tweets, not listening to God.
• The “Confusion At The Highest Level Award” goes to Vice President Joe Biden who said: “I pray to God, to give me the strength to see what other people are dealing with.” Hells, bells – Joe! That’s what other people are dealing with — robo calls from God in the middle of the night! And you were worried about Russia meddling in the election?
• The “Pepto Bismol Award” goes to the vagh in uffizi restaurant in Bologna, Italy where they have only six outdoor tables. So they’re charging by time. For $30.00 per hour, per person you eat everything they bring to your table. The maximum is two hours but afterwards you gotta do that Roman feast thing with the feather.
• The “Restoring My Faith In The Young Award” goes to Audrey Rublev, who while playing in last month’s French Open in Paris found the sun to be so bright he… imagine me being tickled pink here… he turned his baseball cap around so it was facing frontwards!!! Yeah, history was made by a person under 40 wearing a ball cap the way it was designed to be worn and thanks to COVID-19… there was nobody in the stands to witness it.
• The”Believe It Or Not Award” — two employees tested positive at Ripley’s Aquarium.
• In the “I’ve Waited For Something Like This All My Life” category, Woodbine Entertainment recently petitioned our federal government to “legalize historical horse racing” in which you can bet on old races. Please God, let me have one day to bet on the horses knowing who the winners are and… and I’ll stop making fun of kids, Jehovahs and Donald Trump.
• The “So You Wanna Go Bankrupt Award” goes to the US COVID consultant who proposed the ban of beer sales at sports events to reduce people congregating in washrooms. Last year at the University of Texas’ 100,000-seat stadium they sold nearly $4 million worth of beer. What would that even look like —college kids leaving a football game sober?
• The “Best COVID Inspired Feminist Quote” spotted on a woman’s protest sign in Poland where soon-to-be dictator Jaroslav Kaczynski has banned abortion (sound familiar?) — “Keep your distance from my uterus.”
• The “End of Literacy Award” goes to all of you people using the millions of emojis available across everything from mobile phones to social platforms. Throw in a few grunts and a couple of WTF’s and pretty soon we won’t have any need for words at all.
• The “Wackiest COVID Cure Award” goes to Iran’s Ayatollah Tabrizian for instructing his followers to put essential oil on their… cut to Johnny Cash: “And it burns, burns, burns, the ring of fire.”
• The “How COVID Clogs The Lungs And Mangles The Language Award” goes to people who are sipping ‘quarantinis’ with their ‘quaranteam’ while watching ‘covidiots’ protest against masks. Stop before you create a literal ‘coronapocalypse.’
• The “No, We Really Do Not Want To Wear Masks Award” goes to the two sisters in Chicago who stabbed a security guard 27 times for suggesting they do so.
• The “Stop This Right Now Award” goes to #LipsyncLockdown videos in which comedians Marcus Brigstocke and Rachel Parris passionately and horribly ‘mouth’ popular songs. Wasn’t karaoke painful enough?
• The “Canadian COVID Canine Award” goes to a mutt here in Niagara, the only dog in the country to contract the virus. When the family was warned against sharing the bed, the owner quarantined himself to the couch for 14 days. The dog, who is being taught to cough into his elbow, has been renamed ‘Trump’. “Hey, I got it! Nothing to it! Who’s a good boy?”
• The “Greatest Multitasker Of The Entire Shutdown Award” goes to CNN chief legal analyst Jeffery Toobin who during an “election simulation” with fellow writers of New Yorker magazine managed to ZOOM conference, offer sage judicial advice on the election and choke his chicken all at the same time. “I made an embarrassingly stupid mistake,” said Toobin who is taking time off to spend more time… with himself.
• And finally the “World’s Most Bored Audience In The World Award” goes to three highly judgmental horses at: www.saphoto.ca/download/Will1.mp4.
Any of the ten books written by
William Thomas are available at www.williamthomas.ca